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A Midsummer Night’s Nightmare

December 31, 2010 in Uncategorized

Compiled from the memoirs of Graham Henry, New Zealand Rugby Coach: 1 January 2011

Graham is seriously pissed. Not pissed as in drunk, pissed as in very very angry. Graham also has a massive, big, f*** off size hangover. His head feels as if both the Franks brothers used it as a trampoline and a scrum machine simultaneously.

Where did it all go so wrong? It was the perfect plan. What better way to start the All Black quest to win that bloody World Cup that has treated them like a leper colony since 1987 than to throw a champagne, caviar and crayfish bash on New Year’s eve for all the “right” people. No expense was spared. Graham paid for Paddy O’Brien, Steve Walsh, Stuart Dickenson and Jonathan Kaplan to fly First Class (Platinum section) to Auckland. The treat: To spend the evening at the most exclusive resort on Lake Taupo and be amongst the first to enjoy the arrival of New Zealands WC winning year of 2011. Obviously Graham paid for their wives to accompany them in similar style. OK, in Steve’s case, his boyfriend.

Oh where did it all go so wrong? The evening started spectacularly with celebrity chef Nigella Lawson doing her “thing”. Nigella, at Graham’s request wore an extra low cut little black number and Paddy O’Brien used the step ladder normally only reserved for easier boarding of the 80 meter yacht to get a better view of Nigella’s assets. Cristal was flowing, canapes shaped in the form of little rugby balls filled with the Baltic Sea’s best caviar were devoured. The piece de resistance was a lobster shower overflowing a 2 meter giant replica of the William Webb Ellis Cup. It was perfect.

Who said timing was everything? Or was it timing was the only thing? Was it John Lennon? Anyway, Graham waited for the perfect opening to broach the delicate but all important subject of New Zealand winning (no if’s or but’s) the 2011 World Cup. With everyone mildly drunk, but still compos mentis Graham decided to strike. The offer was simple: Red Cards for Riches. Graham, as is evident form the All Black cheating around the fringes and off-side line likes to keep things straight and simple. The KISS principle.

The offer for financial reasons obviously were restricted to only those games involving the All Blacks. For every red card dished out to an opposition player, the referee in question will recieve by way of EFT payment, within 30 seconds of the said red card being given a direct payment of one million dollars (US) into his newly created bank account in Banque de Suisse, Zurich. For every blind eye turned to off-side play by the All Blacks, a further 100 000 US will be added. For every McCaw off-side not blown a further 500 000 US. Minimum profit is guaranteed at 30 million Benjamin Franklins or whoever that ugly Yank on the dollar bill is.

To his mild surprise, Graham recieved not one iota of resistance. The deal was done. If only the evening could have ended there. It was then that that horny little leprechaun O’Brien suggested a midnight cruise on the glorious waters of Taupo to see in the new year. Naturally, he insisted that the delectable Nigella tag along. Graham, having his lawyers on speed dial to finalise the “Red Cards For Riches” contract decided to stay and finalise the small print which included penalty clauses for yellow cards only.

Steve’s boyfriend assured all that he was more than a capable helmsman (ask Steve ha ha) and the last Graham saw of his masterplan was a 40 million dollar yacht disappearing into the Taupo fog so prevelant this time of the year.

Naturally Graham and his legal team finished the rest of the Cristal and some cooking sherry which Nigella hopefully will not miss. When the All Black coach again opened his lobster crusted eyelids, it was midday on the first day of 2011 and Sky News was reporting the first “Breaking News” of the new year. Several IRB top referees, including chairman Paddy O’Brien, drowned in Auckland New Zealand after what appears to be a very drunken New years brawl. The only survivor, celebrity chef Nigella Lawson confirmed that a dispute ensued between O’Brien, who insisted on a 50% cut in what she refers to as the “Red Cards For Riches” scam. The bloodbath that followed saw the yacht sunk and Nigella, using her boyant assets and a life boat escaped to safety. It is not yet sure, Sky reports, whether this incident will affect the 2011 Rugby World Cup.

A dejected Henry, after popping several asprin, started the dreaded sms to Richie: “Plan A a fuck up. Do you have a plan B?”