Its almost that time when the IRB give their nominations on the best of the best in the game of union. But what about those other blokes, the guys who make the others look good. The guys who cause us to throw half eaten food at the tele, laugh ourselves wet, scream in agony, and even leave us totally speechless and in awe of their new levels of suckingness. It is in their honour that I introduce you to the 1^st annual Rugby Razzie awards.

Due to financial constraints, and the bulk of our global finances being allocated to therapy sessions for Ronan O’Gara (working hard on dealing with his infamous illegal tackle), there will be no awards ceremony this year, but should the recipients wish to collect their trophies I will gladly send them off. In the sprit of keeping to the IRB philosophy, there will be no nominations, I will be judge jury and prosecutor, and will cite whoever I see fit, with the presentation of minimal evidence and even less reason.

Herewith your winners….

Worst Decision (What the hell was I thinking)

Dean Richards

There were quite a few contenders here, including Ronan O’Gara’s brain explosion, which cost the Lions the series, as well as Bismark’s quick tap in the Lions test which cost us a shot at goal (although we managed another one a few minutes later so we’ll let it slide). The winner of the inaugural worst decision award goes to Dean Richards for his wonderfully entertaining, but poorly executed “Blood-Gate” scandal. I’m sure the Tom Williams “wink” will be haunting Richards for years to come, or at least as long as he serves out his 3 year European ban on rugby involvement.

Worst Finishing

Ugo Monye

I was at a coaching session two weeks ago and there were 9-year-old girls who had grasped the concept of the ball carry, which seemed to escape the Harlequins winger. Maybe Richards should have spent more time coaching and less time orchestrating fake injuries. Monye was twice denied a score after being presented with easy opportunities to finish had he held the ball under the correct arm. Those two opportunities pretty much cost them the first test, and some may argue the series. That’s a lot of baggage to carry, all the best chap.

Hall of Fame award goes to Robbie Fleck for his botched try agonist the Sharks thanks to Deon Keyser’s relentless chase. Eyes up Flekkie!

Worst Quote

Peter De Villiers

"If we want to eye-gouge any Lions we will go down to the bushveld like we do and eye- gouge them there."  

"If we are going on like this, why don't we go to the nearest ballet shop, get some tutus and get a dancing shop going? There will be no eye-gouging, no tackling, no nothing and we will enjoy it."

"What we try to tell them is when you point your finger into the sky, don't concentrate on the finger because you'll miss all the heavenly glory out there. Concentrate on the heavenly glory you can bring and make yourselves so fulfilled."

"There's little difference between winning and losing, except you feel better after winning."

"What I learned in South Africa is, if you take your car to a garage and the owner is black or a black man, and they mess it up, you never go back to that garage.  If the owner is white, you say ag, sorry, they made a mistake and you go back again. This is how some people live their lives in this country."

You take your pick, any one of those are home runs, but to pull a positive out of this I think for the first time in SA Rugby history people were actually trying to get tickets for press conferences. The importance of the PR consultant in any rugby team became apparently clear.

Peter was such a force in this department I would make an unprecedented decision to induct him into the hall of fame immediately, unfortunately I have to wait for Morgan Newman to die before I can substantiate his "Ja, you know. Morgan Newman has been in form his whole life." statement, because hey, that would be a pretty impressive call.  

Worst Coach 

Eugene Eloff

Martin Johnson was very much in the running for this award, but seeing as he managed to turn around the humiliating defeats to the Springboks and the All Blacks, and finish second in the 6 Nations, he has been let off the hook. The award for worst coach goes to ‘Loffie’ Eloff, who to be frank, has made a meal of the Lions franchise since his induction. I have been told on numerous occasions how much of a nice guy he is, but unfortunately in Rugby that counts for nothing. After being given the unconditional support and patience to execute his 3-year plan, it completely failed, and the team are the laughing stock of South African rugby. I’m sure some people will tell me that the administration is corrupt, or inadequate or blah blah blah. The man has unlimited access to the world press and if something was fishy he should have blown the whistle on it.

Worst Captain

Paul O’Connell

I don’t like picking on captains, because unless you’ve done it, you won’t understand. They are under enormous pressure at test level, and there are tons of things to focus on, including your own game. However, Paul O’Connell’s decision to go for the draw in Pretoria during the second Lions test match, and to aim for series draw at best, if they beat the Boks the following week, was a disgrace. Maybe that’s where the Southern and Northern hemisphere differ; we don’t play for draws, we play to win. Step up O’Connell and show some bottle.

Worst Player (Most Overrated)

Phil Vickery

Adi Jacobs, Shane Williams, Andries Bekker, Stephan Donald, Peri Weepu, and Peter Grant are all top contenders for this prize, but no one was more disappointing than Phil Vickery. The man arrived on our shores as the front row might of the British and Irish Lions, an enigma, the rock. I think only half of him arrived, literally, he looked as though he had spent the last four months on weigh less with Smith and Kallis. The Beast destroyed him in the first test and his reputation is still suffering for it. I don’t know what his conditioning coach was thinking but the man who many regarded as the best in the world, was a complete disappointment.

Worst Team

Wallabies

Again there are a few teams grappling for this including the British and Irish Lions, Boland, Toulon, and the Newcastle Falcons. Nevertheless, the award goes to the Wallabies. Pre-tournament Tri-Nations favourites in many of the experts’ views, and they failed to step up completely. They have a coach who has a proven track record and the individual skill of the players has greatly improved, not to mention the scrum and entire forward pack who are finally competing on even ground. The team just failed to click and it almost seems as though there is no passion left in Wallabie rugby. Deans has referred to pride in the jersey and I think he may be right. A team of that calibre should not be where they are now. Total Fail.   

Worst Referee

Wayne Barnes

I was going to award it to this joker who refereed our last club game, but I don’t know his name, so It will have to go good old Wayne Barnes. I literally watched as he made up his own law regarding the ruck situation in the first game against Australia. He has been consistently poor and why he hasn’t been sent back to training, or banished into the wilderness of women’s rugby is beyond me. The French, All Blacks, and Wallabies have a very low opinion of the man, so it’s not limited to the Springboks. We can only hope that stricter measures on crap referees are enforced.

Worst Attitude

Paul O’Connell

The Lions of yester year left a long lasting and positive impression on the South African public. From the “singing lions” to Willie John’s charisma, the Lions were seen as a happy, positive, fair, and charismatic team. You can then imagine the presses disappointment when they were handed Paul O’Connell. His humourless, dull, arrogant, and sulky sue attitude left the South African public with a sour taste in the mouth. Only Ronan O’Gara came close to matching O’Connell for pure drab and un-inspirational nothingness. When people look back at the 2009 British and Irish Lions team the memories will leave a lot to be desired, such pity as many of them will never set foot on our shores as a Lion again. This is your legacy.

Biggest Douche

IRB

I will try and avoid the word conspiracy theory, but every time the Springboks play the IRB seem to find a problem. The citing process is a total sham, and the referees are untouchable. The awards ceremony will be interesting and they must be absolutely livid at the prospect of handing out at least three awards to South Africans.

That concludes the 1^st annual Rugby Razzies, I do apologise if I have left anyone off the list, so feel free to add them yourself. Next month I will be instituting a nomination system for the local version of the Rugby Razzies. Happy Kicking!  

Irishman Paul O'Connell cleans up at the 1st Annual

Rugby Razzies with 2 awards. Now who said the guys up North could't win anything??